By Daina Crosbie

I was in my early 20’s and I had just started my primary teaching career. Some days I would wake up with that delightful feeling where I felt a spring in my step, the colours around me seemed brighter, I smiled often, and things just seemed to flow throughout my day. But more often it would be the opposite. I felt like I had woken up ‘on the wrong side of the bed’, many things felt like a battle, I was agitated by everything in sight and I couldn’t wait for the day to end. I knew something needed to change. 
​
Luckily as a part of my teaching degree I was introduced to a simplified version of a Māori framework, Te Whare Tapa Whā- developed by Professor Mason Durie. This was my first introduction to a holistic well-being.

Te Whare Tapa Whā comprises of four pillars. Taha Tinana-our physical well-being, Taha Whanau, our family and social well-being, Taha Hinengaro-our mental and emotional well-being and Taha Wairua-our spiritual wellbeing. 

The framework  is centred on the concept of being structurally sound. If we think of our Hauora/well-being like a whare/house, at the bottom we are built upon our land/roots, our four walls are made up of our Taha Tinana, Taha Whanau, Taha Hinengaro and Taha Wairua. All four walls are necessary to establish strength and symmetry, and when they do, we are at our best. 
​
As the world advances, I have noticed that many of us are so busy with our jobs or our children that we forget to stop and be aware of what actually helps us to maintain a strong sense of well-being.

In my early 20s I used the Te Whare Tapa Whā framework. It helped me to look at myself through gentle eyes when I was struggling, and life just didn’t seem as bright as it used to. Fast forward 10 years, it is now a measure that always brings me back to feeling and being my best self.

​When my Taha Tinana/Physical well-being is strong:

• I am sleeping well
• I am exercising consistently, not too intensely and my body recovers well from workouts
• I eat a balanced diet of mainly whole foods and have limited cravings for less nutritional foods

Taha Tinana relates to how well we look after our physical growth and development. Often if things aren’t going so well in our Physical well-being it can be more obvious that something needs to change. From my experience success is achieved through just starting, along with consistency. Just trying something new has been a helpful tool to finding what works.

When my Taha Whanau/Family and social well-being is strong:

• I feel happy and at peace 
• ​I feel a sense of belonging
• The relationships around me feel easy and light
• I am spending my time with people who lift me up

Taha Whanau is the health of our family. Family can mean different things to different people. There’s that saying ‘friends are the family we choose for ourselves.’ Research shows that social connectedness is just as important for our health as eating nutritionally and exercising.

When my Taha Hinengaro/Mental & Emotional well-being is strong:

• I am eating and exercising in a balanced way
• I wake up happy to start my day
• I can face daily challenges with resilience
• I am putting effort into my work, the relationship with myself, and others
• I am more grateful of the things I have in life

Often Taha Hinengaro is characterised as just our ‘mental health.’ In my opinion there is a lack of understanding about the term and the conecpt. I like to think of it as our mind, how it connects to our heart, our conscience and our thoughts and feelings. It’s about how we think which is directly related to the way we feel, act and communicate. This is important for everyone to consider, whether we feel as though we have had experience with a mental illness or not. Often the way we deal with daily setbacks that are out of our control, can be a measure of the strength of this pillar. 

When my Taha Wairua/Spiritual well-being is strong:

• I am journaling regularly
• I feel a sense of purpose
• I feel a sense of connection and belonging
• I am more grateful for life’s lessons, even in adversity
• I am actively setting goals and reflecting on my progress

Taha Wairua is known as our ‘spiritual well-being.’ This pillar is our life force. It’s who we are, what drives us, and a sense of purpose of where we’re going. It is different for everyone, and yes for some it may mean religion and for others it’s an internal connection-understanding ones values and beliefs, bringing about self-awareness and identity. Knowing who we are and having a sense of purpose are both directly related to our overall happiness. 

This weekend was a special family time as our extended family gathered to farewell a life well lived. We reflected on the life of a man who had lived his life putting family and people first, with an open door policy on the family home, he had spent a life time welcoming family and friends from near and afar. And as a result he lived a full and rich life. 
 
Many people at the gathering, including myself, felt inspired to find more time for the people in our lives. On the back of our COVID19 Lockdown, it was another call to keep life simple, and focus on what's really important. 
 
Then today, I feel the predicament as I wonder how to create more balance in my life. I know many other parents who are also finding themselves swept up in the busyness of life and activities, we said we wouldn't live like that again, but suddenly we are.
 
Then I saw this William A Ward quote - 
 
"A well developed sense of humour is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life"
 
What a great analogy. Rather than chasing that magical elusive "balance", we could accept that life is always going to be like walking on a tightrope, (especially if you're someone with ambition, who wants to mix that with people, fun and good times). We could shift our focus to working on developing our sense of humour, so we can keep it light as we navigate this tightrope called life.
 
But how do we embrace and build our sense of humour? We are all born with a sense of humour, just watch a child, they find all sorts of things funny! But through life in all its seriousness, this sense of fun can be slowly withered away. Here are some tips to spark your innate sense of humour back to life...
 
7 TIPS TO DEVELOP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR 

1. Watch comedy and comedians - the more you observe, watch and laugh, the more you'll pick up on the little nuances of life. A comedian could explain something that you've seen, heard, or done a thousand times but the way he looks at it is different to the way most people look at it, and it's hilarious. By immersing yourself in humour, you're going to start to notice things in the outside world that are funny.
   
   
2. Surround yourself with funny people. Everyone likes being around people who are funny, because laughter feels good. When you have a good belly laugh, it feels amazing, endorphins are released, you're smiling and it enhances your mood. Being around funny people will also enhance your ability to recognise funny situations.
   
   
3. Practice being humorous. The more you practice telling funny things, jokes, or antidotes, the better at it you'll become.
   
   
4. Look for humour in everyday situations.
   
   
5. Don't over do it or try too hard. Being funny is something you do in spurts, like sprinkling fairy dust.
   
   
6. Know the line between joking around and being mean, and take care not to cross that line. Don't joke about things about people that they can not change.
   
   
7. Work on your ability to laugh at yourself.

 
There you have it, 7 tips to work on developing your sense of humour, to help you balance on the tightrope of life... now there's a great focus for your week ahead!

We constantly hear about being resilient to change! Changes are usually made by others,
such as our policy makers, employers, service providers and while they might ‘rip our
nighties’ at the time, we invariably succumb and quickly forget.

But what about changes we make for ourselves… you know the hard ones, the ones you’ve
been thinking about for ages and for some reason keep putting off? When you begin
thinking about making a change, do you feel overwhelmed or just plain scared?

​You are in good company, a lot of us lack courage to make positive changes!

Our brain is like a conservative investment fund - you get a return, but nothing like you
could get with a little more risk!

Our ‘want’ to change thoughts are pushed back by our brain’s ‘need’ to be secure thoughts
which naturally oppose each other. Our subconscious brain is designed to keep us alive and
out of harms way and it will do ANYTHING to keep us in our familiar place. It’s more
powerful than any computer - and it NEVER switches off! So, during your waking hours you
can be contemplating change while your subconscious is sabotaging those ideas while you
are asleep and unaware!

Cunning indeed!

Courage begins in our Conscious Brain!
Courage is required for anything new to us and for things previously tried that didn’t end
well. Although we mostly run on auto pilot, do you remember how you felt the first time
you went to school, drove a car, started work, or had your first date? I was terrified before I
mastered any of those situations! When you do things successfully, your subconscious files
those experiences in the “Safe” box. It has hundreds of different boxes and has recorded
everything that has happened since you were born. Now, when you want to do something,
your subconscious searches those boxes until it finds a similar experience and then either
approves or disapproves. If it doesn’t find a similar one, it MUST be too scary to do!

​

Subconscious Brain :
“You know what happened the last time you
did that… the same will happen
again!”

​

​Childhood memories affect todays decisions!
Let’s say, you had a bad experience at the dental clinic when you were a child. Your
subconscious saved that to the ‘Scary’ box, so even though you are an adult, the mere
thought of the dentist has your subconscious waving the ‘Scary’ flag while evoking the
original feelings you had back then! Yes, not only does it store memories, it also stores
feelings!

I had a meeting with a Tarantula in Australia. I was 8 years old; it was the size of a dinner
plate and was blocking my only escape route - the bedroom door! Beyond petrified, I was
insanely trying to climb the farthest wall to escape…. what was I thinking? Was I going to
punch through the ceiling? The point was I wasn’t thinking consciously, the fight, flight or
freeze part of my brain had taken control!

For the following 16 years, every time I saw a spider, no matter how small, adrenaline would
surge through my body, I couldn’t breathe and I ran. My subconscious was waving the
‘Scary’ flag and even though this spider was tiny, my brain didn’t care, and I felt the same
fear grip me. The embarrassing situations this caused make me smile now but running out
of toilets with my pants down or balancing on the back of a friend’s sofa while her husband
removed an innocent arachnid destroyed my dignity!

Courage to Tame the Beast- YOU can do it!
Although our subconscious brain is stubborn, we can force it to accept ‘updates’. By
working with a professional, my phobia was cured in 10 minutes flat by retraining my brain.
I was tested though. The following week, they were everywhere. Under my daughter’s
quilt, in my car and one even appeared in the shower! Nope, nothing, no running,
screaming or loss of consciousness ensued….. I even had the courage to look at their little
faces. My life was changed!

Back to the dentist scenario, we need to question whether the TRUTH and BELIEF we
experienced as a child is still relevant today.

Questions to consider:

1. Although it was scary, was it because no one explained what was going to happen? You can ask the dentist to explain everything before you consent to begin, or even prior to making the appointment.
2.  Although it was painful, is that pain still normally experienced today? Dental
   treatment can be pain free with the right anaesthetic and reassurance from your
   dentist.
   
   

Desire + Courage + Action = Successful Change

Desire- Define what you want to change and why:

• Why do you desire this change?
• How will it benefit you?
• What will your life be like when you achieve this?
• Can you picture what you will be doing in your life when you have this?
• How will you feel? Will this make you feel more confident, will you walk differently,
  will you be driving a different car, will people notice and respect you more?
• Spend time on each of these questions. Close your eyes and really ‘see into your
  future’ and hold onto the positive feelings it brings up for you. Take a few moments
  to soak up those positive feelings while you picture your success.
• Now, do you REALLY want this? Yes, carry on…
  ​
  

• What exactly are you afraid of?
• What are the chances of that happening?
• If that did happen, what would that mean for you?
• Could you try again with a different strategy?
  ​

Courage increases when we gather a support team around us, for those moments when we
might doubt ourselves after a minor setback. Your support team could be a mixture of
friends, family and maybe a professional mentor who genuinely understands what it means
for you to achieve this.

Action - Are you READY to commit to this now? If you are, then read on….

• Develop a “Big Picture” of your success – You don’t need loads of details, just what
  you are aiming for and what you will be doing and how your life will have improved
  once the change has happened. Draw and jot ideas on a big sheet of paper or write
  out a list or maybe record a video of yourself explaining talking about your goal. A
  style that resonates with the way you think is ideal.
• Now, put a time frame on it. What date will you achieve this by? Be thoughtful
  when considering this, if you don’t allow enough time, you may become frustrated
  or if it’s too far away, you could start procrastinating!
• Next, jot down the things you need to do to achieve this goal. Put down everything
  you can think of! You may find this daunting, but this is when your support team
  comes in handy.
• Break these actions down into little tasks and assign dates to them. If you want to
  reach your goal in 6 months, what would you need to have achieved by 3 months?

Then, if you have achieved that in 3 months, what would you need to achieve in 6
weeks? Keep going until you have weekly actions to get you to your goal!

• Finally, take the step and begin!
  
  

Courage Check Ins –
Courage needs a booster shot regularly, so catch ups with your support team are useful. Doesn’t need to be flash, just 30 minutes over a coffee! It’s easy to slip into negative thinking when you hit a speed bump. Remember it’s just your subconscious trying to keep you safe and stop you being hurt. We can reduce this negative self- talk by using the “Catch, Challenge, Change” process, which was developed by Vicki Thondley, Director of Mind Body Food Institute in Australia.

• CATCH the negative thought.
• CHALLENGE its validity (Is it true? Is this thought helping me get to my goal? Maybe
  it was true once, but I can release it now).
• CHANGE – replace that negative thought with a true positive one. (“You’re not good
  enough to do this” replace with “I AM good enough and courageous enough to do this!”)
  
  

So, to summarise, if you need courage to change something:

1. Understand how your subconscious is trying to protect you.
2. Learn to give it positive “updates” regularly.
3. Acknowledge your feelings.
4. Gather a support crew.
5. Focus on what you want.
6. Break down steps into little tasks.
7. Take the first step.
8. Do one thing every day towards your goal.
9. Desire + Courage + Action = SUCCESS

What do you think would happen if for 7 days you did not allow your mind to think one single negative thought?

Imagine if you could go 7 whole days without dwelling on one thought of fear, regret, judgement, criticism, frustration, overwhelm, lack, negation, or doubt....

WILL YOU TAKE UP THE 7 DAY MENTAL DIET CHALLENGE ?

Ok, so you may not be ale to control the thoughts that come to your mind, but you can control which ones you allow to stay there. It's just like you can't control who turns up at your doorstep, but you CAN decide who you let in.

What's required is for you to post a sign at the door way to your mind, just like this one:

We've designed this sign for you as a phone wallpaper, a desktop background, and an A4 wall poster so you can display these words everywhere you look, for constant reminders during the day, to help you stay focused during the next 7 days of mental dieting.

You're going to need reminders, especially when you get busy and preoccupied, or something happens to throw you off. Just as with a physical diet, temptation is everywhere so you're going to have to be strong. Negative thoughts are sneaky little things!  They'll pop into your mind and take over your consciousness, if even just for a moment, you let down your guard and give them a chance.

CLICK BELOW TO DOWNLOAD YOUR "NONE BUT THE POSITIVE AND THE GOOD SHALL ENTER HERE" SIGNS FOR YOUR PHONE, COMPUTER, AND PRINTABLE WALL POSTER.

The single force the controls the quality of your life, is your thoughts. And this video gives you some insight in to why.

Some may say it is our beliefs that determine our lives, and yes this is true, but if we break this down we will discover that our beliefs come from our thoughts. What is a belief except a thought that you once thought, and then you continued to think it over and over, until it became a belief. 

The important and EXCITING thing about THOUGHTS is that they are also the ONE THING you have control over in this world.

YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT YOU THINK.

As demonstrated in the video above, there is a constant cycle happening in your life ... the cycle goes like this :  thoughts ... emotions ... behaviours ... outcomes ... thoughts ... emotions ... and on it goes. 

Most of us are pretty much stuck unconsciously in this cycle, most of the time. 
But you don't have to be. There's a single point of power in which you can break this cycle. That point of power, is the point of your thoughts.

There is nothing more powerful than changing your thoughts. You can try to change your circumstances, but if you don't change your thoughts, the same types of experiences end up happening over and over again, because you changed something outwardly, but nothing changed inwardly.

Right now, many people are going through challenging times, uncertain times, unsettling times. It is a time of great change and change can be extremely stressful. You may not be able to change your circumstances right now, you can not change your destination overnight, but you can change direction at any moment by changing your thoughts.

Of course if it were easy, everyone would be doing it! Negative thoughts are addictive and all consuming.

Here are a three steps to help you start to change your thoughts...

STEP ONE : Acknowledge the power of your thoughts.
Getting a sense for and grasping the incredible power of your thoughts is the greatest step you can take towards SELF EMPOWERMENT.

STEP TWO : Become conscious of your thoughts.
Consciously monitor your inner conversation. Pay attention to what your thoughts are saying to you. Notice how many of them are negative. Write them down if it helps.

STEP THREE : Replace thoughts that don't serve you, with new positive empowering thoughts.
You may not be able to stop negative thoughts coming to your mind, but you can choose not to entertain these thoughts. You can shut them down the moment they enter. You can say to yourself, 'No, I'm not going to accept that thought." Then you can replace it with a new thought. Withdraw your attention from the thoughts you don't want, and place your attention on thoughts you do want. This ability to control the direction of your attention, is the key to a happy life.

JUST START
There are many factors that cause you to think the thoughts you think ... habit, beliefs formed in childhood, beliefs passed on from your parents, the result of past experiences - good or bad... but you don't have to figure all of that out... you could very simply start today to take control by noticing and replacing the thoughts you don't want, with new thoughts. You may not be able to make a radical shift in one day, but you could start to break the cycle.

BUILD ON THE MOMENTUM
Start to notice how your new thoughts, lead to new ways of speaking and acting... and in turn lead to different outcomes in your life... which in turn make it easier to continue to think better thoughts. See how you can turn a negative cycle into a positive one, with just a little bit of effort in changing one thought at a time. Change the momentum from negative to positive, and then build on this momentum. 

FROM WOO WOO TO SCIENCE
The power of thoughts was once seen as little 'woo woo', but now it's exciting that this idea is backed by massive amounts of science and research. The above video features world respected neuroscientist Dr Joe Dispenza...  Academic researcher Dr Lucy Hone says, "We have a choice in how we think... ".

The KEY MESSAGE here is that it IS a choice. Sometimes it may not feel like you have a choice, thoughts are powerful, but you are stronger than any thought, and you have the power to change the thoughts that don't feel good.

Like anything, no amount of fact, science, research or expert testimony means a thing, if you don't apply the strategy in your life. Now it's time for your very own science experiment, with you as the guinea pig, get started right now, this very moment, on taking control of your thoughts, and discovering the results.

Happy thinking! 
​

One of my go-to strategies in moments of overwhelm or despondency, is to pop in my headphones and listen to an inspiring, uplifting, insightful Youtube clip. 

The reason I do this is because it's a means to flip the script that's playing in my mind. When that voice in my head is negative, it can be one of the hardest things to summon up the will to change what it's saying, it feels so real and so true and so all encompassing.

Rather than go to battle with that voice, it's much more effective and gentle to tune out that voice, and tune into a voice of hope and inspiration. 

If you can find a way to believe something that is more empowering than you were believing a moment before, and that new belief can find its way into your actions...  this is the secret to a horrible day becoming a wonderful day, or an average day becoming an exceptional day.

I have some favourites Youtube clips that I save and listen to over and over, or sometimes I'll just scroll through the Youtube feed and see what resonates with me at the time. 

Last week, I came across this rendition of the 'Desiderata'. This powerful poem has been a favourite of mine for many years, and it seems so fitting in these challenging times. 

To me, the 'Desiderata' portrays the perfect balance of ebb and flow, striving and surrendering, achievement and contentment, optimism and realism, discipline and gentleness... and encompasses all aspects of a happy and wholesome life.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that it helps to flip your script... save it to your favourites and revisit it each day. 

Below is the beautiful rendition Youtube video of the 'Desiderata', and also a PDF copy for you to print and pop up in your home or office. The more reminders you surround yourself with to trigger an empowering mindset, the better!

By Ashlee Hickman - PEPTALK Magazine Youth Editor

Being a teenager, juggling school, out of school activities, youth editor of PEPTALK magazine, and my very own small business it's so crucial to keep a strong mental well-being, especially during the time we're going through right now. It's important to keep yourself busy, but relaxed, it's a great opportunity to get a breather from life's challenges. What I'm most excited for coming out of lockdown is adopting all of the new, good habits I have gained during this time. Such as, keeping a consistent morning and evening routine, working-out every week day and going hard at it, and learning to relax and enjoy time with my family.

​So I challenge you tonight, before the next week ahead starts, ask yourself:  What have I managed well? What do I need to improve on? How can I be the best version of myself? Plus try to set a couple of goals to keep you on course.

Have a great week,

Author of Atomic Habits James Clear is a bit of a Guru when it comes to habits. It's his specialty area and he has many excellent insights and strategies to share. The video below gives a great overview of some key factors to successfully building new habits.

James says, "One of our greatest challenges in changing habits is maintaining awareness of what we are actually doing." We don't see the consequences of bad habits in the moment, but they can sneak up on us. Creating a Habits Scorecard is a simple exercise you can use to become more aware of your behaviour, and then modify it.

Follow James's instructions below on how to create a habits scorecard.

To create your own Habits Scorecard, start by making a list of your daily habits.
Example:

• Wake up
• Turn off alarm
• Check my phone
• Go to the bathroom
• Weigh myself
• Take a shower
• Brush my teeth
• Floss my teeth
• Put on deodorant
• Hang up towel to dry
• Get dressed
• Make a cup of tea

... and so on.

Once you have a full list, look at each behaviour, and ask yourself, “Is this a good habit, a bad habit, or a neutral habit?” If it is a good habit, write “+” next to it. If it is a bad habit, write “–”. If it is a neutral habit, write “=”.
For example, the list above might look like this:

• Wake up =
• Turn off alarm =
• Check my phone –
• Go to the bathroom =
• Weigh myself +
• Take a shower +
• Brush my teeth +
• Floss my teeth +
• Put on deodorant +
• Hang up towel to dry =
• Get dressed =
• Make a cup of tea +
  
  

The marks you give to a particular habit will depend on your situation and your goals. For someone who is trying to lose weight, eating a bagel with peanut butter every morning might be a bad habit. For someone who is trying to bulk up and add muscle, the same behaviour might be a good habit. It all depends on what you’re working toward.

An important side note:

Scoring your habits can be a bit more complex than just stating good, bad, or neutral.
James says,  'The labels “good habit” and “bad habit” are slightly inaccurate. There are no good habits or bad habits. There are only effective habits. That is, effective at solving problems. All habits serve you in some way—even the bad ones—which is why you repeat them.'

When completing your Habits Scorecard, you should categorise your habits by how they will benefit you in the long run. Generally speaking:
 - Good habits will have net positive outcomes.
 - Bad habits have net negative outcomes.
eg. Smoking a cigarette may reduce stress right now (that’s how it’s serving you), but it’s not a healthy long-term behaviour.
​
Still having trouble deciding if a particular habit is good or bad, here are two pertinent questions to ask yourself: