Do you sometimes overthink things?

Thinking is exhausting!
Especially when out of the approximately 60,000 thoughts you think in a day, a large percentage of them are negative. 

Thanking is uplifting! 
To feel energised and create positive outcomes in your life, here's a mantra to live by for 2021....

Saying Thank you puts your mind in a state of appreciation and gratitude. It also helps you to focus on the good. These are strategies that research tells us build mental wellbeing. Feeling thankful is also protective. When we feel good and are thriving, we are much more resilient to life's bumps and much less likely to experience mental distress. 

Thankfulness is a powerful wellbeing strategy, on the surface it seems quite simple, but its impact can not be underestimated.

Click here for a printable PDF of this mantra so you can pop it on the wall or fridge for a daily reminder to think less and thank more.

Focusing on the good  is an effective strategy that helps you build wellbeing and feel good. Evidence shows that when you feel good you function well in life, your relationships, in your work and more. Feeling good also protect you from symptoms of mental distress such as anxiety and depression.

In a year such as 2020 with all its upheaval and uncertainty, trials and challenges...  it's easy for that pesky thing called our 'negativity bias' (an evolutionary part of our wiring set up to protect us), to cause our attention to be constantly pulled towards the challenging and distressing events and situations that are happening around us and to us. 

But no matter how deep a hole you may be in or how high a mountain you may be facing, no matter how traumatic an experience, or distressing a situation is ...

... there is always, always, always something good. If you only have the will to look hard enough, you can find it.

Next and the most important piece in all of this is to know that you do have the ability to choose where you place your focus.

Shifting your focus to what is good in your world, can have an extraordinary positive effect on your mental wellbeing and physical health.

No one is suggesting that focusing on the good is always easy to do, but it is most definitely worth every ounce of effort you put into it.

I've heard many people say things like:

"I can't wait for 2020 to be over"
"Good riddance to 2020"

Sure it's understandable why they would think and say this. But the reality is every year has its challenges - yes 2020 has been exceptional on a global scale, but adversity is part of life, and pandemic or no pandemic there will always be plenty of things for us to lament if we choose to focus that way. 

Sorry to say, there's no magic that happens at midnight on December 31, that will sweep away all of the negativity in the world and paint everything rose coloured. It is and will always be up to each of us to CHOOSE to focus on the good. 

To help you in this very worthwhile pursuit, we've put together a template where you can list the good and the horrible moments of 2020. By having both sides listed right there next to each other you will be able to gain some perspective, no it wasn't all bad, there were good moments, hopefully you'll find many.

Check out our mental wellbeing magazine and the PEPTALK Book Store for inspired empowering holiday reading!

​Personally I'm a huge believer in the power of our thoughts, something that ancient wisdom has been telling us about for thousands of years. I love that modern science is now demonstrating the impact that our thoughts have on our wellbeing.

Most important is the realisation that we can take conscious control over our thoughts, which effectively gives us the ability to put ourselves in the driver's seat of our emotions and reactions to life.

It's certainly not easy, but a concerted commitment to become more aware of what you're thinking and then directing your mental dialogue in helpful directions is most certainly worth the effort.

You will see the rewards from this almost immediately. Just try it for a day.

Here's a great quote from Shakespeare to illustrate this :

With any difficulty of any kind it is the mental attitude that you bring to it that matters. It's your own thought toward the unwanted circumstance or the person who has not acted as you would like, that determine its affect on you.

What matters to you is not people or things or conditions in themselves but the thoughts and beliefs that you hold concerning them.

It's not the conduct of others but your own thoughts that make or mar you. 

You write your own history for tomorrow or for next year by the thoughts that you entertain today.

Today's a good day to notice and carefully select those thoughts you choose to think...

One of the many poignant facts that Dr Hone shared from her research is that :

Only 24% of NZ's working population is psychologically flourishing.
Hone et al. (2015)

The goal of wellbeing science, is not only to reduce mental illness, it's to help us to really thrive and flourish.

There are things (not plucked from the latest self-help book, but grounded in research) that we can do each day to take us to that state of flourishing, but as Lucy Hone also pointed out there is a gap between knowing and doing - it's called surprise surprise - "The knowing / doing gap". 

Knowledge is never enough, we must also be able to apply that knowledge. 
Being aware that there is such a thing as the 'knowing/doing gap' is empowering in itself.

Now you can start to ask yourself the questions to take you from knowing... into doing so that you can start to see evidence of moving towards flourishing in your wellbeing and life.

Questions for reflection to begin to bridge the knowing / doing gap

What's your motivation for staying well and thriving?
Why do you want to feel good and function well?
What's in it for you and for those you care about?

What will motivate you to make the routine efforts required?
How can you sustain this motivation?

Who will support you?
Do you feel confident to reach out and ask for their support?

Let's apply the above questions to one of the most simple but profound wellbeing strategies...
the practice of gratitude:

Wellbeing science tells us that it's worth the effort to seek out, acknowledge and spend time appreciating the good things in life. Practicing gratitude has many benefits that help us to feel good and thrive.

There are two aspects to practicing gratitude -

1. Noticing, appreciating and savouring good moments and good things during the day.
2. Writing down 3 things you are grateful for each morning and each night.

Dr Lucy Hone emphasis's that language is important when it comes to motivating ourselves to do the things that will build our wellbeing.

Gratitude' may not ring your bells... so how about calling it your 'What went wells' or as they call it in the military 'hunting the good stuff'.

Finding the language that works for you is a great first step in closing the knowing/doing gap.
What other strategies can you put in place to commit to regularly practicing this life changing strategy?

Here's some ideas:

• Have your gratitude journal beside the bed as a visual reminder.
• Set reminders on your phone every 3 hours - eg. 'Stop and notice the good' to remind you during the day to pause, appreciate and savour.
• Express gratitude - tell others that you're grateful for them and why - double the feel good.
• Take notice of the changes in how you feel because of this positive action, to motivate you to keep going. Bonus points : record these changes in your journal.
  
  How else can you close your knowing/doing gap?
  

A summary of Dr Hone's presentation from our launch event will be available in Issue 3 of PEPTALK Magazine, which is released 1 December....

Each Monday I write a Monday morning PEPTALK to send to our community... Usually this 'Monday PEPTALK' arrives to inboxes first thing in the morning. Today it's a little late. The reason is, I hit a bump. A bump in the road. A 'bump' is an inconvenient, completely annoying, or infuriatingly irritating happening that can happen at any time or any day and usually results in knocking us off track or slowing us down.
 
My bump :
We were away in the weekend and as I sat down to write Monday's PEPTALK I realised I left my computer charger in the motel room. We have no other charger in the house for my laptop and the battery is on 14%.  
 
My immediate response to this realisation was at first physical - breathing and heart rate sped up, feeling hot and starting to sweat. This is the body's sympathetic nervous system taking over, a threat has presented itself and I now have to get ready to fight or flight. Next comes the mental response - my brain starts catastrophizing, thinking of all of my plans for the day and to-do list disturbed, my precious time being eaten up now having to deal with this, and my brain starts to recall all of the other little stresses nagging at me and piles them on top.
 
STOP! Reality check!
 
I left my computer charger behind.
I am not being chased by a sabre toothed tiger.
I can handle this.
In fact I can learn and grow from this.
 
I had an entirely different PEPTALK lined up for today, but my 'bump'  has given me the opportunity to share an even more important message ....

Close your eyes. Take 3 long, slow breaths into your belly, in through your nose, out through your mouth, make the exhale twice as longer as the inhale. As you exhale, relax your shoulders and allow yourself to let go. This will take you back into the parasympathetic nervous system, where it's possible to calmly and rationally deal with the situation. ​

Turn the bump from an annoyance to an opportunity. Pivoting is a powerful skill and we all have the ability to do it. Like any other skill, you can improve your ability to pivot through practice. ASK : How can I use this as an opportunity to practice a new way of dealing with stress? 
 
Stress is a part of life. If you are alive, then things are going to go wrong, you are going to experience bumps in the road most days of your life. Learning to deal with the bumps calmly and rationally and minimising the level of mental and physical stress they cause, is one of the most important skills you can learn to master.
 
Deciding that you are going to use this bump as an opportunity to develop your skill of handling bumps, will immediately change your focus.

In the scheme of life, how big actually is this? By blowing it out of proportion you can allow this bump to ruin your whole day, potentially your whole week if you really get on a negative roll.
 
It can be the start of a flow on effect of one thing after the other going wrong, or it can be a simple isolated bump that you deal with and move on. You are in control of how big this gets. A question to ask is, 'Will this matter in a year?'. Chances are it won't, so don't allow it to monopolise your day.

In resilience expert Dr Lucy Hone's 'Three secrets of resilient people' she shares the strategy of asking - "Is this helping me or harming me?".  One example is to use this question to help you decide whether to share your bump with others and if you do, who to share it with. 
 
Ask - Will talking about this bump with others help me or harm me? 
What will they say and will that make me feel better or worse? 
 
In my situation if I share this wee hiccup I can imagine some members in my family might say, "Oh, you are so hopeless, you're always leaving things behind!".
(I do have a bit of a reputation for this!). Will this make me feel better or worse? Probably worse!
 
If you feel you want to share your bump for support, then choose carefully who you share it with. Choose someone who will listen and respond with supportive comments.
 
Secondly consider - is talking about it helping you to deal with it and move on, or keeping you stuck in the situation? Either answer is fine, the important thing is you stop and consider your course of action so you can consciously decide what is most helpful to moving through this with minimal stress.
 

Control the controllables - This is about focusing your energy on the things you can control. Can you do anything about this situation / bump? If yes, what is it and take action. If not, you will need to find a way to let this go for now and shift your focus to some other aspect of your day. In my case, now I'm feeling calm I can start to logically think through the situation... Most of the work I need to do today is cloud-based, I could use my husband's computer to complete my tasks, not perfect but it will work.
 
Get over it and get on with it. The longer you sit and lament the problem or beat yourself up over it, the more time you'll waste. Further more, when your stressing and fretting you shut down your ability to think of creative solutions.
 
Later I thought of an idea to post on Facebook to ask if anyone has a charger I could borrow for my laptop. By 9am problem solved! I now have a charger to borrow, the motel has been phoned and my charger is on the courier. 
 
Minimal stress, minimal fuss, minimal time wasted.

I hope this helps you the next time you inevitably hit a bump. 

This morning I woke up anxious! It's been happening quite often lately. But this morning, right there in my instagram feed was a video that felt like it was placed there just for me! Following Mel's 6 steps had such a calming effect on me I had to share....

If there was ever a year that could cause anxiety 2020 is it! But the greater the challenge, the greater the opportunity for growth. The reality is life has always been rocky and uncertain, plans have often been altered or changed at the last minute. 2020 has taken something that already existed for us to a whole new level. Which means we can find a whole new level of resilience to deal with it.

Applying strategies like Mel Robbins' 6 steps may seem simple, but often the simplest of things are the most profound. As Mel says, "Anxiety is a normal part of life and by having a simple process for meeting it and not reacting to it but responding to it, you will see a profound difference in your ability to move through your life and face the road blocks and obstacles that life throws at you and just keep rolling down the highway."

If feelings of anxiety are something you've been battling lately, I encourage you to watch Mel's short video explanation below and apply these 6 steps to find calm and composure at the start of each new day.

By Daina Crosbie

I was in my early 20’s and I had just started my primary teaching career. Some days I would wake up with that delightful feeling where I felt a spring in my step, the colours around me seemed brighter, I smiled often, and things just seemed to flow throughout my day. But more often it would be the opposite. I felt like I had woken up ‘on the wrong side of the bed’, many things felt like a battle, I was agitated by everything in sight and I couldn’t wait for the day to end. I knew something needed to change. 
​
Luckily as a part of my teaching degree I was introduced to a simplified version of a Māori framework, Te Whare Tapa Whā- developed by Professor Mason Durie. This was my first introduction to a holistic well-being.

Te Whare Tapa Whā comprises of four pillars. Taha Tinana-our physical well-being, Taha Whanau, our family and social well-being, Taha Hinengaro-our mental and emotional well-being and Taha Wairua-our spiritual wellbeing. 

The framework  is centred on the concept of being structurally sound. If we think of our Hauora/well-being like a whare/house, at the bottom we are built upon our land/roots, our four walls are made up of our Taha Tinana, Taha Whanau, Taha Hinengaro and Taha Wairua. All four walls are necessary to establish strength and symmetry, and when they do, we are at our best. 
​
As the world advances, I have noticed that many of us are so busy with our jobs or our children that we forget to stop and be aware of what actually helps us to maintain a strong sense of well-being.

In my early 20s I used the Te Whare Tapa Whā framework. It helped me to look at myself through gentle eyes when I was struggling, and life just didn’t seem as bright as it used to. Fast forward 10 years, it is now a measure that always brings me back to feeling and being my best self.

​When my Taha Tinana/Physical well-being is strong:

• I am sleeping well
• I am exercising consistently, not too intensely and my body recovers well from workouts
• I eat a balanced diet of mainly whole foods and have limited cravings for less nutritional foods

Taha Tinana relates to how well we look after our physical growth and development. Often if things aren’t going so well in our Physical well-being it can be more obvious that something needs to change. From my experience success is achieved through just starting, along with consistency. Just trying something new has been a helpful tool to finding what works.

When my Taha Whanau/Family and social well-being is strong:

• I feel happy and at peace 
• ​I feel a sense of belonging
• The relationships around me feel easy and light
• I am spending my time with people who lift me up

Taha Whanau is the health of our family. Family can mean different things to different people. There’s that saying ‘friends are the family we choose for ourselves.’ Research shows that social connectedness is just as important for our health as eating nutritionally and exercising.

When my Taha Hinengaro/Mental & Emotional well-being is strong:

• I am eating and exercising in a balanced way
• I wake up happy to start my day
• I can face daily challenges with resilience
• I am putting effort into my work, the relationship with myself, and others
• I am more grateful of the things I have in life

Often Taha Hinengaro is characterised as just our ‘mental health.’ In my opinion there is a lack of understanding about the term and the conecpt. I like to think of it as our mind, how it connects to our heart, our conscience and our thoughts and feelings. It’s about how we think which is directly related to the way we feel, act and communicate. This is important for everyone to consider, whether we feel as though we have had experience with a mental illness or not. Often the way we deal with daily setbacks that are out of our control, can be a measure of the strength of this pillar. 

When my Taha Wairua/Spiritual well-being is strong:

• I am journaling regularly
• I feel a sense of purpose
• I feel a sense of connection and belonging
• I am more grateful for life’s lessons, even in adversity
• I am actively setting goals and reflecting on my progress

Taha Wairua is known as our ‘spiritual well-being.’ This pillar is our life force. It’s who we are, what drives us, and a sense of purpose of where we’re going. It is different for everyone, and yes for some it may mean religion and for others it’s an internal connection-understanding ones values and beliefs, bringing about self-awareness and identity. Knowing who we are and having a sense of purpose are both directly related to our overall happiness. 

This weekend was a special family time as our extended family gathered to farewell a life well lived. We reflected on the life of a man who had lived his life putting family and people first, with an open door policy on the family home, he had spent a life time welcoming family and friends from near and afar. And as a result he lived a full and rich life. 
 
Many people at the gathering, including myself, felt inspired to find more time for the people in our lives. On the back of our COVID19 Lockdown, it was another call to keep life simple, and focus on what's really important. 
 
Then today, I feel the predicament as I wonder how to create more balance in my life. I know many other parents who are also finding themselves swept up in the busyness of life and activities, we said we wouldn't live like that again, but suddenly we are.
 
Then I saw this William A Ward quote - 
 
"A well developed sense of humour is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life"
 
What a great analogy. Rather than chasing that magical elusive "balance", we could accept that life is always going to be like walking on a tightrope, (especially if you're someone with ambition, who wants to mix that with people, fun and good times). We could shift our focus to working on developing our sense of humour, so we can keep it light as we navigate this tightrope called life.
 
But how do we embrace and build our sense of humour? We are all born with a sense of humour, just watch a child, they find all sorts of things funny! But through life in all its seriousness, this sense of fun can be slowly withered away. Here are some tips to spark your innate sense of humour back to life...
 
7 TIPS TO DEVELOP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR 

1. Watch comedy and comedians - the more you observe, watch and laugh, the more you'll pick up on the little nuances of life. A comedian could explain something that you've seen, heard, or done a thousand times but the way he looks at it is different to the way most people look at it, and it's hilarious. By immersing yourself in humour, you're going to start to notice things in the outside world that are funny.
   
   
2. Surround yourself with funny people. Everyone likes being around people who are funny, because laughter feels good. When you have a good belly laugh, it feels amazing, endorphins are released, you're smiling and it enhances your mood. Being around funny people will also enhance your ability to recognise funny situations.
   
   
3. Practice being humorous. The more you practice telling funny things, jokes, or antidotes, the better at it you'll become.
   
   
4. Look for humour in everyday situations.
   
   
5. Don't over do it or try too hard. Being funny is something you do in spurts, like sprinkling fairy dust.
   
   
6. Know the line between joking around and being mean, and take care not to cross that line. Don't joke about things about people that they can not change.
   
   
7. Work on your ability to laugh at yourself.

 
There you have it, 7 tips to work on developing your sense of humour, to help you balance on the tightrope of life... now there's a great focus for your week ahead!

We constantly hear about being resilient to change! Changes are usually made by others,
such as our policy makers, employers, service providers and while they might ‘rip our
nighties’ at the time, we invariably succumb and quickly forget.

But what about changes we make for ourselves… you know the hard ones, the ones you’ve
been thinking about for ages and for some reason keep putting off? When you begin
thinking about making a change, do you feel overwhelmed or just plain scared?

​You are in good company, a lot of us lack courage to make positive changes!

Our brain is like a conservative investment fund - you get a return, but nothing like you
could get with a little more risk!

Our ‘want’ to change thoughts are pushed back by our brain’s ‘need’ to be secure thoughts
which naturally oppose each other. Our subconscious brain is designed to keep us alive and
out of harms way and it will do ANYTHING to keep us in our familiar place. It’s more
powerful than any computer - and it NEVER switches off! So, during your waking hours you
can be contemplating change while your subconscious is sabotaging those ideas while you
are asleep and unaware!

Cunning indeed!

Courage begins in our Conscious Brain!
Courage is required for anything new to us and for things previously tried that didn’t end
well. Although we mostly run on auto pilot, do you remember how you felt the first time
you went to school, drove a car, started work, or had your first date? I was terrified before I
mastered any of those situations! When you do things successfully, your subconscious files
those experiences in the “Safe” box. It has hundreds of different boxes and has recorded
everything that has happened since you were born. Now, when you want to do something,
your subconscious searches those boxes until it finds a similar experience and then either
approves or disapproves. If it doesn’t find a similar one, it MUST be too scary to do!

​

Subconscious Brain :
“You know what happened the last time you
did that… the same will happen
again!”

​

​Childhood memories affect todays decisions!
Let’s say, you had a bad experience at the dental clinic when you were a child. Your
subconscious saved that to the ‘Scary’ box, so even though you are an adult, the mere
thought of the dentist has your subconscious waving the ‘Scary’ flag while evoking the
original feelings you had back then! Yes, not only does it store memories, it also stores
feelings!

I had a meeting with a Tarantula in Australia. I was 8 years old; it was the size of a dinner
plate and was blocking my only escape route - the bedroom door! Beyond petrified, I was
insanely trying to climb the farthest wall to escape…. what was I thinking? Was I going to
punch through the ceiling? The point was I wasn’t thinking consciously, the fight, flight or
freeze part of my brain had taken control!

For the following 16 years, every time I saw a spider, no matter how small, adrenaline would
surge through my body, I couldn’t breathe and I ran. My subconscious was waving the
‘Scary’ flag and even though this spider was tiny, my brain didn’t care, and I felt the same
fear grip me. The embarrassing situations this caused make me smile now but running out
of toilets with my pants down or balancing on the back of a friend’s sofa while her husband
removed an innocent arachnid destroyed my dignity!

Courage to Tame the Beast- YOU can do it!
Although our subconscious brain is stubborn, we can force it to accept ‘updates’. By
working with a professional, my phobia was cured in 10 minutes flat by retraining my brain.
I was tested though. The following week, they were everywhere. Under my daughter’s
quilt, in my car and one even appeared in the shower! Nope, nothing, no running,
screaming or loss of consciousness ensued….. I even had the courage to look at their little
faces. My life was changed!

Back to the dentist scenario, we need to question whether the TRUTH and BELIEF we
experienced as a child is still relevant today.

Questions to consider:

1. Although it was scary, was it because no one explained what was going to happen? You can ask the dentist to explain everything before you consent to begin, or even prior to making the appointment.
2.  Although it was painful, is that pain still normally experienced today? Dental
   treatment can be pain free with the right anaesthetic and reassurance from your
   dentist.
   
   

Desire + Courage + Action = Successful Change

Desire- Define what you want to change and why:

• Why do you desire this change?
• How will it benefit you?
• What will your life be like when you achieve this?
• Can you picture what you will be doing in your life when you have this?
• How will you feel? Will this make you feel more confident, will you walk differently,
  will you be driving a different car, will people notice and respect you more?
• Spend time on each of these questions. Close your eyes and really ‘see into your
  future’ and hold onto the positive feelings it brings up for you. Take a few moments
  to soak up those positive feelings while you picture your success.
• Now, do you REALLY want this? Yes, carry on…
  ​
  

• What exactly are you afraid of?
• What are the chances of that happening?
• If that did happen, what would that mean for you?
• Could you try again with a different strategy?
  ​

Courage increases when we gather a support team around us, for those moments when we
might doubt ourselves after a minor setback. Your support team could be a mixture of
friends, family and maybe a professional mentor who genuinely understands what it means
for you to achieve this.

Action - Are you READY to commit to this now? If you are, then read on….

• Develop a “Big Picture” of your success – You don’t need loads of details, just what
  you are aiming for and what you will be doing and how your life will have improved
  once the change has happened. Draw and jot ideas on a big sheet of paper or write
  out a list or maybe record a video of yourself explaining talking about your goal. A
  style that resonates with the way you think is ideal.
• Now, put a time frame on it. What date will you achieve this by? Be thoughtful
  when considering this, if you don’t allow enough time, you may become frustrated
  or if it’s too far away, you could start procrastinating!
• Next, jot down the things you need to do to achieve this goal. Put down everything
  you can think of! You may find this daunting, but this is when your support team
  comes in handy.
• Break these actions down into little tasks and assign dates to them. If you want to
  reach your goal in 6 months, what would you need to have achieved by 3 months?

Then, if you have achieved that in 3 months, what would you need to achieve in 6
weeks? Keep going until you have weekly actions to get you to your goal!

• Finally, take the step and begin!
  
  

Courage Check Ins –
Courage needs a booster shot regularly, so catch ups with your support team are useful. Doesn’t need to be flash, just 30 minutes over a coffee! It’s easy to slip into negative thinking when you hit a speed bump. Remember it’s just your subconscious trying to keep you safe and stop you being hurt. We can reduce this negative self- talk by using the “Catch, Challenge, Change” process, which was developed by Vicki Thondley, Director of Mind Body Food Institute in Australia.

• CATCH the negative thought.
• CHALLENGE its validity (Is it true? Is this thought helping me get to my goal? Maybe
  it was true once, but I can release it now).
• CHANGE – replace that negative thought with a true positive one. (“You’re not good
  enough to do this” replace with “I AM good enough and courageous enough to do this!”)
  
  

So, to summarise, if you need courage to change something:

1. Understand how your subconscious is trying to protect you.
2. Learn to give it positive “updates” regularly.
3. Acknowledge your feelings.
4. Gather a support crew.
5. Focus on what you want.
6. Break down steps into little tasks.
7. Take the first step.
8. Do one thing every day towards your goal.
9. Desire + Courage + Action = SUCCESS